So sometimes I feel bad and guilty when I shouldn't. I'm a master of that.

It's wings and beer nite, waiting for Bucket to get home so we can bounce, and hoping Alex is conscious for it. He's been really sick, it's all sadfase.

Blah. Go away guilt, I don't want you. I don't deserve you.
  • Current Mood
    blah blah

Someone tie me down

... because I'm going to float away. I am awesome. I am cliche. I am Raini.

Thomas arrived super late at my place on Friday. Bucket wasn't feeling well so she said hi and went to crash.

He's just... wonderful. He's quiet, but he's extremely intelligent and he loves my dog. He brought me his copy of his second-favorite book (well-loved book gifts. I swoon.) as he's re-reading his actual favorite book again.

Aside from my last bit of work yesterday, we spent the weekend playing video games, cuddling, playing with the dog and watching movies. I made him watch True Romance :)

My thoughts are disjointed right now. Not nearly enough caffeine in my system. Suffice it to say, happy Raini is happy... and I'm nuzzled and cuddled and kissed enough to last till I get to see him again next week. Hopefully.

And now I rejoin the world of warcraft the living.

Meghan. If I had one wish right now, it would be that you could fly up here just for tomorrow's wings and beer nite. They're the best nites v_v
  • Current Music
    Reverend Horton Heat - D for Dangerous


It's in my head, so I will type out the lyrics

I don't care what you say,
I don't have use for your words anyway,
You don't need a Cadillac,
Cause I'll be waiting with my bare back,
To carry you there

Try, you don't have to be afraid to just rely,
Cause I want to hold your weight part of the time,
It's all right,
And if you get too much to handle by yourself,
And if you can do it alone I know you will so,
I don't know what's at stake,
Or what it takes,

But I don't care what you say
I don't have use for your words anyway,
You don't need a Cadillac,
Cause I'll be waiting with my bare back,
To carry you there

Turn around,
And you just might see the good you've left behind,
But you're all caught up in what's still left to find,
And it's never enough,
So slow down,
And the root of what you're feeling might appear,
Well all pushing up the hill has brought you here,
And you're used up
To the line
You tell me you are fine,

But I don't care what you say,
I don't have use for your words anyway,
You don't need a Cadillac,
Cause I'll be waiting,
To carry you there,

So don't be too proud
I'm holding my hand out,
You've been my friend on darker days,
I'll still be there, despite your despair,
I don't really care what you say

I'll carry you there, I will carry you there.

That song always makes me a mix of sad and smiley. I know I'm just like that, I'm proud and don't want people to know stuff is wrong. And it makes me glad to know I have people telling me to shut up and let them help me.

So you know, I love you guys >>
  • Current Music
    Horrorpops - Copenhagen Refugee

So really...

This sucks. A lot. It's hard and I don't want it to be real anymore.

At the risk of being cliche, a vital part of me feels gone. Not my heart, but something just as essential. I don't suppose you can live without your lungs, can you?

So I cling hard to who I still have left - I have Bucket, and Thomas, and my Alex. If you asked me a year ago if I thought the key players in my life would change so drastically, I would have given you a neutral answer and zombied along.

On the upside, now that it's healing, it looks like the green fire on my cupcake tattoo is popping better than it did before. Think it still needs to be re-done, so I'll prepare of another couple hours of dirty old Bob who thinks I'm hot.

Also, on the upside, tomorrow evening there will be an abundance of Thomas in my apartment. For the win. And we have cleaning to do. I started to this evening but a bout of being a stupid bitch on my part just completely sapped me of my will to do anything at all.

You know. For the win.
  • Current Music
    Nick Lowe - Cruel to be Kind


I can't make it stop.

Tyler can't be in my life at all anymore. I hurt him too much by just hinting at Thomas.

This may be the most painful thing I've ever gone through. And I can't drink enough to make it go away.

Pehaps there will be MORE SNOW

In Ohio? Never.

Note - for those of you who weren't aware, Home Depot is fucking huge. And the thermostats, for whatever reason, are in the plumbing department. Helpful hint.

I liked today just fine, despite the severe lack of Thomas communication. Employment really cuts into my social life. There's a really sweet girl who got hired with me named Barb, who I like a lot. She and I have sort of unofficially claimed one another as training partners. Oddly enough we got hired on the same day and went to the drug testing facility at the same time. We bonded.

My dad told me he wants to start his own ministry and wants a crown logo, and has asked for my help. I'm sure here in about fifteen minutes I'll be staring blankly at photoshop, my mind racing with everything else in the world except trying to make this thing.

*sends him an image of a burger king crown*

I think maybe I'll pick up my guitar. Actually scratch that, Bucket is home to hear me suck. When I'm alone this week, I'll pick up my guitar.

*gets a text from Thomas saying he wants to work on my car*

There's nothing wrong with my car, but still. Rawr. He's supposed to teach me how to change my oil, which you know... YAY :D I'm excited to learn. I also think it's important to note that I feel less of a mess with Thomas around. I feel almost normal. I had this horrible moment of absolute panic last nite when I thought he was going to step aside for Tyler.

Everytime I talk to Tyler it winds up being the same "I want to be with you, I love you." conversation. From his end. On my end it's "You broke my heart and I want you to be exceptionally happy, but not with me." And round and round we go, and every time it happens it knocks me back. I feel sorry for him. I feel sorry that I can't do what he wants to make him happy.

So we press on! I am overwrought and understimulated. I think perhaps a book.
  • Current Music
    The Meteors - These Evil Things

Apples to apples...

I did not remember to post to-day until just now.

I was supposed to drive to Toledo this morning for training, but lo and behold my parking lot was two feet deep in snow. Sadface, I was kind of excited. So I called in and talked to little old lady manager de jour, Miss Dawn, and she sounded so resigned. I bet I wasn't the first person to call and be like FLAIL DAWN THERE IS SNOW WTF.

So this may change my Monday/Tuesday schedule (pronounced shedule, because I found it appropriate. If you read it with the hard c sound, go back and re-read it the way I intended!) but will hopefully not interfere with Thomas getting his tax return and coming to see me a week early. And also, the following week, because I.am.greedy.

Speaking of tax returns, I need to find out from that nice guy I used to be married to where ours is. I have twelve bucks in my checking account, and the ale I love so much is moar than that. So now I'm faced with the prospect of drinking one of those tiny bottles of Hypnotiq on our kitchen table that Bucket brought home last week. Daunting. All I can think of is Lauren drinking that big bottle all alone, rushing her to the hospital, and listening to her speak to the nurse in Hebrew to intentionally confuse her.

However, if I had some cognac I could make a Hulk *enrages, turns green, lives out that whole scenario Tyler told me about where Hulk beats up every superhero in the world*

Hey future Raini, pay your electric bill. It's only twenty six bucks, what's the holdup?

So tonite I went snow diving with Alex and Bucket. I made my first ever snow angel. I froze and got soaked and my cheeks got all red and we had hot chocolate and watched Project Runway (as is our weekly custom) and had just a really, really good nite. Now I'm thinking of it, I believe my time here in Ohio has been the best time of my life. There's all the good and bad that's happened with it, but having friends like Bucket and Alex have really and truly saved me. I know I would suck so much more without them.

Also note-worthy, I have been accused of being a cougar. Look, you bitches, I am no cougar. Maybe Thomas is younger than me, and perhaps Tyler was younger still but I can't HELP IT. I'm not seeking them out, they flock to me. I could be like Fuzzy and nomming every 17 year old that steps in my path (kidding, I love you Fuzzy) but I'm taking the high road. Sort of.

You know what? I'm digging my own hole and I'd prefer to salvage this, so I am going to bed.
  • Current Music
    Dixie Chicks - Goodbye Earl

Let's pretend we don't exist, let's pretend we're in Antarctica

So last nite MAY have been the hardest nite of my entire life. And I truly mean that, no drama, no emo kid. It was -hard-

Tyler used aforementioned deep, epic amazing love to try to win me back. He made a very good plea, and I believe it was genuine. I believe he genuinely wants to fix himself and make things up to me. I believe he wants to be with me and nobody else for the rest of his life. It's not a matter of not believing him... it's a matter of even without Thomas in the picture, I can't do it.

I feel like I'm a young little Raini again and my stepdad is luring me in, doing something horrible, luring me back in, then doing something horrible once more. Rinse, repeat. Not just him, it was Lance, and it was Jason, and to some degree it was Shawn too.

I felt like I was back in Georgetown sitting on the bottom bunk in my room with Shawn sobbing at me and begging me to get back together with him. I told him no at first, too. I won't forget, it was the one time he bothered to wear cologne. I don't know why that was relevant, I just felt like I had to write it. Look where it got me. So very many years of my life all but wasted.

What happens when he's like me and he realizes he was just too young to say those kinds of things? What happens when Leah moves to be near him, when she told me she's fallen for him? They've proven more than once they can't keep their hands to themselves. I don't want him to realize later what he's done and settle in to me, when either of us can move on and find what's perfect for us.

And so, I told him things I hadn't told him before. I told him how he hurt my feelings a lot, but I didn't want to tell him because I'd rather be a little sad than make him do something he didn't want to do. I didn't want to nag him about the promises he made and broke because that won't do anything but make him defensive, and that helps nothing. I told him how I ignored for so long the fact that he didn't treat me like I deserve, and then he interrupted me and said he wants to treat me like I deserve.

But he didn't realize this in time. Not until the magnitude of not having me actually really really hit him, and now it's too late. I don't want it.

I want to do what I planned. I want to move to Chicago with Thomas, only as his girlfriend and not as his roommate. I want us to take care of each other after we've had hard days. I want to cuddle with him while he plays video games, and bake him cookies and make him spaghetti and bring him a fresh Dr Pepper when his is empty. I know I can trust him to help hold me up when the inevitable bad things happen, and I know I can trust myself to do the same for him. And I know I can trust myself to not be the kind of girl who shrieks at him for no reason and leaves him going "What the hell was that?"

But most importantly, I don't have to lie to myself like I have in the past. If I'm being totally honest with myself, I didn't think Tyler would ever really think I was good enough for him. He doesn't even think I'm very pretty, thinks I'm kind of fat, doesn't like my ink or my piercings. I want to be myself so much it's ridiculous. I want to tell someone they're hurting me without feeling like a horrible nagging woman.

Ugh. I've rambled long enough, and I have to go work today. I really hope everyone has ignored this rant, it's typical and lame and makes virtually no sense. Maybe they'll have glossed over it and gone "Fucking emo kid" and moved on. Shower time @_@
  • Current Music
    Mustard Plug - Everything Girl

So then...

I panic, because I give Thomas my LJ name *waves a little* and then wonder if I've written enough about him to be acceptable.

So in case all of you missed the memo, if Thomas were Ganon and I were Zelda, I'd ditch Link for him.
  • Current Music
    Koffin Kats - Splatterhouse