| Hypnotiq |
[Feb. 9th, 2010|09:02 pm] |
I can't make it stop.
Tyler can't be in my life at all anymore. I hurt him too much by just hinting at Thomas.
This may be the most painful thing I've ever gone through. And I can't drink enough to make it go away. |
|
|
| Pehaps there will be MORE SNOW |
[Feb. 8th, 2010|07:46 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  mellow | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The Meteors - These Evil Things | ] |
In Ohio? Never.
Note - for those of you who weren't aware, Home Depot is fucking huge. And the thermostats, for whatever reason, are in the plumbing department. Helpful hint.
I liked today just fine, despite the severe lack of Thomas communication. Employment really cuts into my social life. There's a really sweet girl who got hired with me named Barb, who I like a lot. She and I have sort of unofficially claimed one another as training partners. Oddly enough we got hired on the same day and went to the drug testing facility at the same time. We bonded.
My dad told me he wants to start his own ministry and wants a crown logo, and has asked for my help. I'm sure here in about fifteen minutes I'll be staring blankly at photoshop, my mind racing with everything else in the world except trying to make this thing.
*sends him an image of a burger king crown*
I think maybe I'll pick up my guitar. Actually scratch that, Bucket is home to hear me suck. When I'm alone this week, I'll pick up my guitar.
*gets a text from Thomas saying he wants to work on my car*
There's nothing wrong with my car, but still. Rawr. He's supposed to teach me how to change my oil, which you know... YAY :D I'm excited to learn. I also think it's important to note that I feel less of a mess with Thomas around. I feel almost normal. I had this horrible moment of absolute panic last nite when I thought he was going to step aside for Tyler.
Everytime I talk to Tyler it winds up being the same "I want to be with you, I love you." conversation. From his end. On my end it's "You broke my heart and I want you to be exceptionally happy, but not with me." And round and round we go, and every time it happens it knocks me back. I feel sorry for him. I feel sorry that I can't do what he wants to make him happy.
So we press on! I am overwrought and understimulated. I think perhaps a book. |
|
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| Today... |
[Feb. 7th, 2010|11:33 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blah | ] |
All I have to say is STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP. Just... stop. PLEASE. |
|
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| Apples to apples... |
[Feb. 7th, 2010|01:38 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sleepy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Dixie Chicks - Goodbye Earl | ] |
I did not remember to post to-day until just now.
I was supposed to drive to Toledo this morning for training, but lo and behold my parking lot was two feet deep in snow. Sadface, I was kind of excited. So I called in and talked to little old lady manager de jour, Miss Dawn, and she sounded so resigned. I bet I wasn't the first person to call and be like FLAIL DAWN THERE IS SNOW WTF.
So this may change my Monday/Tuesday schedule (pronounced shedule, because I found it appropriate. If you read it with the hard c sound, go back and re-read it the way I intended!) but will hopefully not interfere with Thomas getting his tax return and coming to see me a week early. And also, the following week, because I.am.greedy.
Speaking of tax returns, I need to find out from that nice guy I used to be married to where ours is. I have twelve bucks in my checking account, and the ale I love so much is moar than that. So now I'm faced with the prospect of drinking one of those tiny bottles of Hypnotiq on our kitchen table that Bucket brought home last week. Daunting. All I can think of is Lauren drinking that big bottle all alone, rushing her to the hospital, and listening to her speak to the nurse in Hebrew to intentionally confuse her.
However, if I had some cognac I could make a Hulk *enrages, turns green, lives out that whole scenario Tyler told me about where Hulk beats up every superhero in the world*
Hey future Raini, pay your electric bill. It's only twenty six bucks, what's the holdup?
So tonite I went snow diving with Alex and Bucket. I made my first ever snow angel. I froze and got soaked and my cheeks got all red and we had hot chocolate and watched Project Runway (as is our weekly custom) and had just a really, really good nite. Now I'm thinking of it, I believe my time here in Ohio has been the best time of my life. There's all the good and bad that's happened with it, but having friends like Bucket and Alex have really and truly saved me. I know I would suck so much more without them.
Also note-worthy, I have been accused of being a cougar. Look, you bitches, I am no cougar. Maybe Thomas is younger than me, and perhaps Tyler was younger still but I can't HELP IT. I'm not seeking them out, they flock to me. I could be like Fuzzy and nomming every 17 year old that steps in my path (kidding, I love you Fuzzy) but I'm taking the high road. Sort of.
You know what? I'm digging my own hole and I'd prefer to salvage this, so I am going to bed. |
|
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| Let's pretend we don't exist, let's pretend we're in Antarctica |
[Feb. 5th, 2010|10:53 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  distressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Mustard Plug - Everything Girl | ] |
So last nite MAY have been the hardest nite of my entire life. And I truly mean that, no drama, no emo kid. It was -hard-
Tyler used aforementioned deep, epic amazing love to try to win me back. He made a very good plea, and I believe it was genuine. I believe he genuinely wants to fix himself and make things up to me. I believe he wants to be with me and nobody else for the rest of his life. It's not a matter of not believing him... it's a matter of even without Thomas in the picture, I can't do it.
I feel like I'm a young little Raini again and my stepdad is luring me in, doing something horrible, luring me back in, then doing something horrible once more. Rinse, repeat. Not just him, it was Lance, and it was Jason, and to some degree it was Shawn too.
I felt like I was back in Georgetown sitting on the bottom bunk in my room with Shawn sobbing at me and begging me to get back together with him. I told him no at first, too. I won't forget, it was the one time he bothered to wear cologne. I don't know why that was relevant, I just felt like I had to write it. Look where it got me. So very many years of my life all but wasted.
What happens when he's like me and he realizes he was just too young to say those kinds of things? What happens when Leah moves to be near him, when she told me she's fallen for him? They've proven more than once they can't keep their hands to themselves. I don't want him to realize later what he's done and settle in to me, when either of us can move on and find what's perfect for us.
And so, I told him things I hadn't told him before. I told him how he hurt my feelings a lot, but I didn't want to tell him because I'd rather be a little sad than make him do something he didn't want to do. I didn't want to nag him about the promises he made and broke because that won't do anything but make him defensive, and that helps nothing. I told him how I ignored for so long the fact that he didn't treat me like I deserve, and then he interrupted me and said he wants to treat me like I deserve.
But he didn't realize this in time. Not until the magnitude of not having me actually really really hit him, and now it's too late. I don't want it.
I want to do what I planned. I want to move to Chicago with Thomas, only as his girlfriend and not as his roommate. I want us to take care of each other after we've had hard days. I want to cuddle with him while he plays video games, and bake him cookies and make him spaghetti and bring him a fresh Dr Pepper when his is empty. I know I can trust him to help hold me up when the inevitable bad things happen, and I know I can trust myself to do the same for him. And I know I can trust myself to not be the kind of girl who shrieks at him for no reason and leaves him going "What the hell was that?"
But most importantly, I don't have to lie to myself like I have in the past. If I'm being totally honest with myself, I didn't think Tyler would ever really think I was good enough for him. He doesn't even think I'm very pretty, thinks I'm kind of fat, doesn't like my ink or my piercings. I want to be myself so much it's ridiculous. I want to tell someone they're hurting me without feeling like a horrible nagging woman.
Ugh. I've rambled long enough, and I have to go work today. I really hope everyone has ignored this rant, it's typical and lame and makes virtually no sense. Maybe they'll have glossed over it and gone "Fucking emo kid" and moved on. Shower time @_@ |
|
|
| So then... |
[Feb. 4th, 2010|01:09 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | Koffin Kats - Splatterhouse | ] |
I panic, because I give Thomas my LJ name *waves a little* and then wonder if I've written enough about him to be acceptable.
So in case all of you missed the memo, if Thomas were Ganon and I were Zelda, I'd ditch Link for him. |
|
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| So though I can't imagine how, I hope you're happy right now |
[Feb. 4th, 2010|12:47 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  good | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Afterworld - Tiger Army | ] |
Strangely, everytime I think Thomas is going to say something bad, it always ends up being really good. I'm unsure if this constant surprise is a testimony to his awesome or my downward spiral into pessimism.
He loves me.
All I can think of is the movie True Romance. If you haven't seen it, do so. Go ahead. I'll wait.
.....
Wasn't that fuckin awesome??? I wonder if this very sudden leap into... this with Thomas will lead to zany stolen drug-related adventure, a la mister Tarantino.
Also - WTF, Tyler. Telling Leah off for checking on me? Come on. Bad dog. |
|
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| :D :) :| :( >:( |
[Feb. 3rd, 2010|03:16 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | amused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Zombie Noise - The Meteors | ] |
So first off, thank you for the reminder drunk Raini. Done.
I've been as productive as I can be at this point, today. I've been struggling with my FAFSA a lot, but when your financial aid adviser is NEVER AT HER DESK, there can be problems.
I looked for my high school diploma, and all I found was the fake one they hand you when you cross the stage. Of course that would be the one I kept in a semi-logical place. I bet if I took a picture of it and sent it to CHIC they'd be satisfied with that. Eyeroll.
So I do some laundry and take a picture of my cat to send to Thomas so he knows who the man of the house is, in all reality. I'm scrambling to hang up shirts before they get wrinkled, because we all know how I feel about wrinkled clothes (and if you don't... I hate wrinkled clothes. In case you needed that spelled out.) when I decide to sign on to AIM and lo and behold, there is Tyler IMing me.
Sigh.
So, I tell him I'm sorry for being so callous with him, because I realized that's what I would have done a year ago and I don't want to go back and be that woman. Not ever again. And that I shouldn't have been so harsh but as far as seeing a possibility that we'd ever be more than friends... I didn't think it was there. And that blossomed into a pretty nice conversation.
(Caution: extreme nerd moment)
Until he started talking about disbanding the guild just because he didn't want it there anymore. Our guild is large-ish, and thriving. We have a big bank, tons of gold, we're rocking out the top raid in the game almost as well as anyone else on the server. We're a happy guild. I offered to take over leadership, as I have in the past when he gets tired of the toys he's played with too long, and he was like "Nah. I'm leaving the game when my time runs out and that guild will be a piece of me tied there that I don't want there anymore."
Translation: Selfish prick who can't get over the things he's done, so he's going to cut his reminders loose, no matter the cost to anyone else.
He told me he'd give me and Alex the money from the guild bank and the stuff so we could start a new guild. It's so retarded, there's just no reason for it. Bank tabs are expensive. We have everything we need. Fuck that, even if we did start it over, I'd give the guild the same name just to annoy Tyler.
(Nerd moment over)
So after this fight, where he says he'll think about it, I'm annoyed enough that I'm just done talking to him. I start in on my financial aid stuff and have a question, waiting for little miss Ashley to call me back, and I go to steam some veggies for lunch (omnomnomnom), and I come back to this IM from Tyler:
"You keep working, but... I wanted to say, I've never been with someone for Valentine's Day, and you already had an unfinished valentine in the making, so I'm going to give it to you anyways, unless I hate it... good chance for that."
Really. REALLY?! Come on now. If you're to make one for me, you have to make one for the girl you screwed around with behind my back too. Let's not leave precious Leah out. And as long as we're keeping this going, make one for Thomas, since he's the one who's picking up the pieces of me you kicked around. Ass.
*clicks off Murder for Breakfast* *is instantly excited by Get Rhythm* This may be my new favorite song. I'd forgotten all about it, despite my lifelong Cash-ness.
So, now whilst I wait for CHIC to return my calls, I think I'll go to Alex's to soothe his beastly I KILL MY COMPUTER-ness I can feel radiating from across the courtyard. Maybe talk to Thomas for a little bit on the phone. Get sidelong eyerolls from my favoritest midwesterner.
Life in Ohio is good. |
|
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| Franken-castleberry |
[Feb. 3rd, 2010|12:15 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  drunk | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Reverend Horton Heat - Put It To Me Straight | ] |
So. Bdubs. As is mine, Bucket and Alex's weekly ritual, we go for wings and beer.
I sample something called a Castleberry... Newcastle, Apple Pucker and strawberry puree all mixed into one delicious drink. Of course, we are naturally suspicious. But being the daredevil, ridiculous creature that I am I took a gamble. And oh my god did it pay off. I had a few. Just a few.
And a few Castleberries into this evening, plus twelve delicious mildly spicy wings and some onion rings of course... I am convinced more than ever that I am correct in my caution-less risk with sweet Thomas. But of course, two daiquiris DID convince Bucket that it would be a great idea to tell the waitress that Alex found her "enchanting", so I may not have any basis for this in the least, and I'll get up tomorrow cotton-mouthed and going *facepalm* "Raini, why did you have to write about this?"
Sometimes I flip through the texts we send throughout the day (Note to sober Raini: Get the unlimited text messaging. Even drunk Raini can do math, dumbass) and seeing "I'm going to bed, but I want to hear you voice. Can I persuade you to leave me a voicemail?" makes our dear, suckered, attention-starved heroine weak in the knees.
Suckered. It sounds so bad but it feels so good. It's not even a bad thing. He wouldn't ever, ever do anything to me. I believed him when he said that, more than anyone else who's ever told me anything similar.
Fast, but hey. I never imagined I'd live to be old. And I truly believe this is a risk I was meant to take. I took a lesson from Castleberry.
Cheers, guys. Here we go. |
|
|
| Hmm |
[Feb. 2nd, 2010|08:29 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | resigned | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Social Distortion - Ghost Town Blues | ] |
Yeah. I think I might like Thomas more than is wise at this point.
Oh dear. Raini does stupid stuff part 38974239873 :D
Let's see where this goes, shall we? |
|
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| A hundred thousand fucking millennia later... |
[Feb. 2nd, 2010|01:02 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | cheerful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Reverend Horton Heat - Get Rhythm | ] |
Hello world.
In case you've forgotten me, I'm Raini, and I'm born to win. Sort of.
Well. A few things got me wanting to write in this little badboy again. I've pulled myself out of such a very unhappy marriage and moved on to Bowling Green, Ohio. With Bucket.
Cue Laverne and Shirley montage.
And so then. There was Tyler. I won't get into the deep, amazing epic love because it hurts too much.
How, you ask?
The deep, amazing epic love only went far enough for him to not want me to ever be with anyone else, but allowed him to screw around on me when I wasn't looking. And have him decide that he didn't want to be with me, but he wanted to be with me SOMEDAY. Just not now. But also, I shouldn't be with anyone.
Despite said deep, amazing epic love... why would I want to be with someone I can't trust? Bzzzzt. Next.
So rather than be a permanent part-time cashier at Home Depot forever and ever, amen, I decided to plow on ahead with my culinary dreams. I'll be moving to Chicago with my friend Thomas in May to attend Le Cordon Bleu, so I can be a pastry chef.
Cue Mary Tyler Moore theme song.
It's kind of odd to think that I'm able to feel something nice for someone after everything. Thomas is fantastic. We'll see what may or may not develop, I'm unsure whether I'm throwing in the towel to become just that girl with the big dog who makes nice cakes. Satisfactory, I suppose, but not fantastic. Or it could be.
I'm lost and rapidly trying to regain my sense of self. You know, before I pick up and move to another state and start over again, again. Re-do, seriously this time, guys. Not that I don't like Bowling Green, I actually could see myself coming back here after school. Maybe I'll always be small-town.
Also, Jason Duncan, thank you for reminding me that I'm lame about my journal. I'll fix it, srsly. |
|
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| Austin = Best City EVAR |
[Jan. 29th, 2009|07:55 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | amused | ] |
"This is a first for us. We are new to this kind of thing,” said Sara Hartley, Public Works spokesperson.
Hartley says whoever did this cut the locks to the computer system and hacked in.
"While the content of what it was changed to was amusing to a lot of people we want to make sure that people understand it's a public safety hazard," said Hartley.
BEST. THING. EVER. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jan. 7th, 2009|11:14 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | chipper | ] |
Twilight Convention in Dallas.
Bucket and I are giggling like schoolgirls. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jan. 5th, 2009|12:10 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | drained | ] |
Every time Jonathan leaves, it tears a huge chunk of me away.
Ouch. |
|
|
| Warcraft, FUCK YEAH! |
[Dec. 18th, 2008|09:26 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Home | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | amused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Repo Soundtrack - Thankless Job | ] |
*caution - extreme nerd moment*
My World of Warcraft Death Knight is about the coolest thing EVER. I'm all "Hey Lich King, what's going down?" and he's all like "UR HOT, Go kill some stuff IN MAH EPIC NAME!"
So I do.
And then he's all "GO KILL PEEPS AT A CHURCH!" and I'm like "Your wish is my command, for your epicness is too much to deny!" and then this paladin at the church is like "I WTF OWN YOU!" and the Lich King is like "DAMN! WHY IS THIS CHURCH ON HOLY GROUND?!" and runs away. So much for his unspeakable epicness.
So then the Paladin is like "O HAI, I know you're undead scourge and all, but you should totally serve the light and go back to the Alliance" and so I'm all "O... K."
So then I teleport to OMG STORMWIND CITEH with a message for the king, and the guards are like "I PH33R YOUR EPIC, SO I SPIT ON YOU AND THROW THINGS AT YOU!" and I'm all "OIC.", then I get to the king and he's all "I KILL YOU! What's this? A letter from a Paladin in a small church somewhere on holy ground?! I TAKE YOUR WORD FOR IT!" and then BAM! A zillion faction increase with Stormwind, the king is all like "Hold up guys, stop spitting on her, she's kinda hot." and badda bing, I R ALLIANCE!!!
... w00t! |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 11th, 2008|01:47 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  aggravated | ] |
So as far as stressing me out goes, Shawn is full of win. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 7th, 2008|04:25 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | cheerful | ] |
I just made some killer marshmallow fudge. Shazzizam. |
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| Just a note... |
[Dec. 5th, 2008|05:23 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | amused | ] |
The Dyson is the Edward Cullen of vacuum cleaners. |
|
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| omgwtfbbq |
[Nov. 19th, 2008|06:52 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  annoyed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Mika - Love Today | ] |
Dear no one in particular,
Don't talk to him anymore if you see him. You don't deserve his kindness. |
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crystabell's journal